An extraordinary achievement in sustained incompetence.

“Singularly the worst company I’ve ever had the misfortune to get involved with. From the moment I arrived, I was treated with the sort of contempt normally reserved for people who’ve interrupted a particularly important argument in a pub.

Nobody seemed to know what was wrong with my Mini, although everyone was absolutely certain it was my fault. I received three contradictory diagnoses, two invoices and a lecture on how little I understood about engines. When I asked to speak to the manager, I was informed that he was unavailable because he was dealing with another complaint. Presumably his full-time occupation.

I’ve had better customer service from a broken parking meter.”

I could have destroyed it myself for considerably less.

“If I’d wanted to destroy my car, I’d have driven it over a cliff. At least that way I’d have saved myself the labour charges and enjoyed a decent view on the way down. Instead, I entrusted it to South Coast Minis, where three mechanics spent an entire afternoon staring into the engine bay before confidently replacing something that wasn’t broken.

The original fault is still there, the car now makes a noise previously unknown to automotive engineering, and apparently I owe them £450 for diagnostic reassurance. The only thing they’ve successfully repaired is my belief that things couldn’t possibly get any worse.”

These people should not be allowed to mix with the general public.

“This company should not be allowed to mix with the general public without appropriate supervision and possibly a responsible adult. The man in the hoodie communicated almost entirely through shrugs, while the bearded mechanic appeared personally offended by the suggestion that cars should work after being repaired.

At one point, three employees gathered around my Mini, argued over which end contained the engine, and then disappeared for lunch. When I eventually complained, I was told that customer relations were undergoing significant improvements. Judging by the atmosphere, they’re starting from a very considerable distance.

I wouldn’t trust this lot to inflate a bicycle tyre without somehow setting fire to the saddle.”